Tara Etemad-haary,
LMFT

Do You Trust Yourself?

Oftentimes, we look at trust as an entity we give to others, yet rarely ask if we trust ourselves to the same degree. We can find ourselves looking for complete certainty in the trust we give to others, where trust becomes the mode of evading pain. This leads me to ask:

“Do you trust yourself?”

The answer to this question becomes varied and most often the answer is not an enthusiastic yes. It is more often a “no,” filled with shame or sadness. Then you hear the attachment wounds:

  1. I don’t want to come off too needy.
  2. They’ll think I’m too much
  3. They’ll leave me
  4. They won’t care
  5. They’ll call me _____.
  6. They’ll say it’s my fault.
  7. They’ll tell me I’m overreacting.
  8. They’ll tell me it never happened.
  9. What’s the point? They never change.
  10.  

When this is the narrative of self-trust, our ability to trust ourselves is still consumed by the other. When we fear what has already happened, we ruminate to prevent recreating circumstances that resurface the pain of the past. If we disappear into the reactions of someone else, how can we simultaneously trust ourselves? Prioritizing potential reactions over our needs means we’ve handed over the control we have in exchange for a false sense of security.

Trust in ourselves is not based in our ability to predict someone else’s reactions to our pain. What is asked of us is to trust that we can hold our own heart when someone causes it to ache. We hold our own heart by:

  1. Finding those who do not find our needs burdensome while attending to our own needs
  2. Reminding ourselves that being too much for one person isn’t the same as being too much for yourself. Show up for yourself authentically.
  3. Not abandoning ourselves when we fear being abandoned
  4. Showing ourselves extra care when we aren’t feeling cared for
  5. Holding both our flaws and our gifts, while acknowledging that one word can never describe a whole self
  6. Showing up for yourself even when you make a mistake and reminding yourself of your worth when your humanness shows its head
  7. Advocating for yourself as a reminder that you are worth standing up for. Just because someone else wouldn’t find something hurtful doesn’t mean you can’t be hurt.
  8. Something happening or not happening doesn’t change your pain. You grant yourself permission to feel.
  9. Their behavior isn’t the determinant of how you show up for yourself. Show up for yourself consistently, regardless of someone else.